My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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