"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
then he tried to convert me to islam
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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