Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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