Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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