What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Drake has all the answers
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Randomize
