I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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