She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
