Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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