my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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