She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My dad is sitting where you rode me
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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