Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
