lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
