Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
