Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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