I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Sacagawea was the original milf.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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