it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
