Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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