I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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