every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
