We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
