Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Randomize
