her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
