i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
