dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Randomize
