Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
