dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
