Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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