3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
