its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
