Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
