ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
