Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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