I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
