I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
