News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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