You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
