Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
