when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I look better un-naked...
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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