If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
