Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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