i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Randomize
