tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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