i was born a porn star she said
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
