I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
