shes about as inviting as chlamydia
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Randomize
