You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
