i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
