He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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