hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
