i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
