sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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