I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
