Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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