i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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