Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
