now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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