I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
