a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize