my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Sorry my hands just texted you
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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