My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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